Thought Before Getting Married

21.17



Marriage is like a kind of happiness you -or at least people like me- can't fathom. It is like seeing a Cinderella Story, happily ever after. Moreover, i have met the love of my life, someone too good to be true. Yet i find that marriage is somewhat, scary. I don't know whether marriage is as scary as i thought, or it is just me who is terrified of it? But i can explain why i am anxious.

1. Can i make him happy?
I am troublesome. I can't blame my parents' divorce for it, but it took part in my BPD. My mood rolls like roller-coaster and i hurt people that i love every single day.

I know that he whom i have choosen before loves me the way i am but i know that it is not easy dealing with me. People will getting bored someday and of course he can, someday.

At some point, i want to heal my disorder yet i am also proud of it, because it makes me a very me, that is unique, different, and it is my weapon as a writer. But i don't want to hurt him. I don't want to make him like living with Billy Milligan or maybe that Miniature Killer in CSI Vegas Series.

2. Will he change?
He may be perfect, the one you can't easily find, with the mind you can't really figure out, but i am afraid that he will change someday, into somebody i hate so damn much. Maybe he will become a jerk or a sexist with a cheap taste of women. And with my BPD i can kill him (or at least his reputation), but i know it will change nothing and at the end i will still lose him.

I don't want a song like "Baby Blue" be the jingle of my life. It sucks, you know? And my heart has been broken several times in my life.

3. Can i still be me?
I know i am weirdo and i am not perfect, but i love myself and i don't want to live in another self or another body or another mind (sometimes i really love my mind that i want to embody it into something exquisite and splendid).

In the first place i know that he will never change me , but i am afraid that he will hate the real me and ask me for a change. Total change. I want to change my bad attitude for him but i am worried if it is not enough for him.

4. Kiddos
I love kids but i have no experience in taking care of kids. I know it is difficult to take care of them, moreover if they have atroucious attitude. But kiddos will always be kiddos and it is our task to teach them the good and the bad.

But what if my children don't care about bad things and good things? Or what if they turn into somebody i hate so much? Or befriend with a bunch of people that give them bad influences?

5. Do we suit each other?
Yes, we do. Right know. But what about tomorrow? The day after tomorrow? One year later? Will we be the same person afterwards?

I know that plenty of thoughts are hanging on my mind everytime i think about marriage or talk about it. But i know that i shall go through it, and i shall believe that he, or me, we will never change.

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